New CAR!

Its a big month for us here at the Chenoweth household. The first snow of the year brought turmoil to our beloved 2005 Chevy Malibu Classic. Matt was sooo close to getting it to 200,000 miles! Fortunately, no one but Alex (the car) was hurt in the accident. The ice and curb fought back pretty hard. After much research and several days of car shopping, we are happy to introduce our new member of the family- Prince Sparkle! That is what Bri named it anyway- Matt isn't too sure on the name yet. Prince Sparkle is a blue 2005 Honda accord. This officially makes us a Honda family! Matt is the proud new owner. I honestly can't remember when I have seen him smile so much!

It has now been a little over two weeks since we lost Charlie. In that time I have done many things in order to come to terms with what happened. Finally, I posted this on Facebook. I wanted to capture this post here as well. It was a very important step in my healing. Also, I wanted to get our story out there, so that others going through the same thing would be comfortable reaching out to me.

December 5 at 2:24pm · Golden Valley, MN ·

A few weeks ago I miscarried our third child. I debated whether to post anything at all. "It's so common" the doctors told me. They said that one out of every three known pregnancies ends in loss, which basically made me a statistic right out of the book. I couldn't help but wonder, if that is true, why haven't I heard more about this from the people in my life? Why in our culture are we told to keep quiet? Going through this miscarriage was one of the most excruciatingly pai...nful times of my entire life, mentally and physically. Although there are still good days and bad days, the only thing I could do to heal was to do everything in my power to ensure Charlie was remembered for what he was, a real human being, albeit tiny. In order to do this, we named him, we kept his ultrasound pictures, I memorialized him with a tattoo, and as a family we talk about him and understand that we are now a family of 5, one of us just lives in heaven. My purpose in writing this post was not to gain sympathy, but to reach out to any one who might have had to go through the same thing in silence. You are NOT alone, and your baby is 100% real! He or she was given a heart and a soul and will be watching out for you until you can join them one day. I don't want this wretched experience to be wasted. Please know that if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. Although I have come to terms with losing Charlie, I will think of him every day for the rest of our lives.

I was very nervous to post this, as I had never seen anything like it before on Facebook. The outpouring of love I received was unbelievable. Here are some of the comments we got.

Rae 'Bergley' Smida, Leonard Hannasch, Cassandra Littmann and 27 others like this.

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Comments

Crystal Rose Oh brave one. I think many women out there will appreciate your words and find solace in those they have lost. May love continue to surround you.

Kirsten Lewis I am soooooo sorry cat. Love you huge.

Annah Witherill I'm so sorry Catherine. I had a miscarriage too, right before I got pregnant with Ryland. I was also told it was extremely common, but that didn't change how much it hurt emotionally. *hugs*

Jessica Thoma This is beautiful Catherine, and I am sure your story will be a comfort to others who have experienced this loss. Hugs.

Kaylan Holmstadt Your family will be in our prayers. So sorry to read of this heartbreaking loss, and thank you for speaking out. You are helping to end the taboo of child loss. It's important we speak their names. It's important we remember them. St. Charlie, pray for your Momma, and pray for all of us.

Adrianne Phillips So beautiful. You are so strong. Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty.

Matthew Chenoweth Everything I would haven't wanted to say but with out the ability to phrase it so well. I love you!

Katie Joslyn I am so sorry for your loss Catherine. You are so strong, and what a beautiful thing to do to share your story.

Sarah Wagner I love this. Thank you so much for sharing and everything you do.

Katie Stokes Adams Catherine, I'm so so sorry for your loss! My heart breaks for you, but this post is so important! Thank you for telling the world about Charlie! I've had losses myself, and it can feel very lonely. Please know I'll be praying for you and your whole family and I'm hear if you ever need to talk!

Kristin Suggs I love you, Dear! Charlie will always be there with you. It's goodbye for now as you will be reunited with him when it is the right time.

Stephanie Schmidt Oh honey!! I'm so sorry! I wish I could have been there for you. You know I love you and am here for you if you need anything. sorry doesn't cut it, but I can't think of anything that even comes close to expressing my sorrow for you. ILY!

Alexandria Kabia You are such an amazing person Catherine. I am soo incredibly sorry you've gone through this, but your post is so incredibly powerful I hope you don't mind if I share it. You are right about it being absolutely painful, mostly because we are expected to suffer knowing we cannot reach out to anyone for comfort. We are expected to get over it, because "it's not a real life" but the baby is real!

I read something somewhere that says when a woman conceives, she is carrying two souls within her, and it is absolutely one of the most beautiful and amazing thing about women. But it's also how we connect so deeply with our children even before they're born... And why we grieve so much when they are not.

I love you and I'm here for you if you need to talk!

Audrey Charba thank you Catherine! I felt much the same way when we lost our third baby (we named him Andrew Blaise)

Shirley DiMassi I will always have six Grandbabies. One I will just have to wait to hug and kiss! Life is so precious. We should be thankful for everyday, love and appreciate every moment! I love you guys!!

Jen Schultz You are such an amazing, strong, beautiful and wonderful person. I am so sorry you had to go through this terrible event. Your tribute to Charlie is touching and sweet. I am always here for you and so glad that you are in my life.

Lori DeYoung I am so sorry Catherine. Remember he is not alone up there your dad is up there an grandma Deyoung an Bernie so they are living him an taking care of him

Sarah Stoll So sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your family! Miscarriage really is such a "hush hush" topic in our society and I totally agree with you that it needs to be shared and exposed!

Kelsey Millette I'm so sorry. This breaks my heart . I can just see Bailey and Charlie playing together running around and having the best time together. Love you friend!! Let's grab coffee soon?

Leah Joncas What an amazing mom you are. I know sweet Charlie is just looking down on you and awaiting the day till you're reunited. Way to be strong, loving and have an excellent perspective in all of this. You're amazing Catti!💕💕🏼🏼🏼💕

Kristi Lu So sorry to hear this. Beautifully written dear, sending you and your family lots of love.

Amy Rieschl I'm so grateful to know his sweet little name. I've been praying that this precious little saint will say lots of prayers for you guys.

Ian Thielke I love your family. My best friend Marsha went through this a few years ago and I think Jacob would be 7 now. You are never alone. Take care.

Jodie Coppin So sorry for your loss! Hugs to you and your family

Jackie Morin

Meggan Reinoso Ugh, so, so sorry. I can't imagine and thank you for sharing his name and your family's story. The photos are sweet to. So very sorry for his passing. 🏼 thinking of you, your family and I really admire your strength and faith smile emoticon.

Cheryl Keogh So sorry, Catherine. Sending love and prayers to you and your family.

Jenny Edlund Oh my gosh! So sorry to hear about this! You will see Charlie again some day. I'm glad you shared this! I know a lot of people who have named their unborn babies and I believe firmly that it helps heal your heart just knowing a little piece of your soul is waiting to see you again some day. It will be like you were never apart. Hugs Catherine and Matt! I love you guys!

Esther Danita Bagne I'm so SO proud of you. I love you. Charlie knows nothing but love, which is such a sacred and beautiful thing.

Leonard Hannasch Thanks for sharing Catherine. Will pray for you, Matt and family.

Jodee Molitor Sorry to hear this. Yes, you have a beautiful & perfect son in heaven praying for his family. He is with G'pa Greg too! Thanks for sharing him with us-beautiful memorial.

Sarah Carlson Charlie is so lucky to have you as parents! You are so strong and i love you!

Rebecca Edmondson Catherine, you've always been my idol. From the first day I met you I was so impressed by your strength, your beauty and your dedication to your family. I'm so sorry for your loss and know that you're going through so much pain. we are only handed things in life that we are able to take. There's reasons for things we just never will understand and lives that will touch us forever

Jennifer May Im so terribly sorry to hear. Keeping your loving family in our prayers. Charlie is such a beautiful name:)

Michael Rieschl

Gene Byland Sorry Catherine. Sounds like doctors aren't any more sympathetic now than 25 years ago. I love that because of you his name will be remembered.

Bethany Sewald I am so proud of you momma. Your love and courage are inspiring. This subject keeps coming up lately. You are so right, we are far too silent about subjects of fertility. Too many people are sitting quietly hurting because they don't know that their hurt and their heart matter.

Kellie Due Weiland Catherine, I'm so sorry about Charlie and can't imagine the depth of this loss for you and your entire family. It's so important to talk openly about loss and grief -- especially when it can inspire others to share their stories and get the support they need during such a painful time. Big hug and much love.

Barb Hannasch Morin Sorry to hear... we're wishing you all well.

Rae 'Bergley' Smida Catherine, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the deep hurt. I agree that we as a society are far to silent about miscarriages. It took me a very long time to grieve mine because I didn't feel like I could talk about it. You are very courageous! Praying for your family during this rough time. Hugs

Healing After Loss

Hey all- I am sad to report that I lost the baby. I started spotting early yesterday morning and spent the day in the Duluth ER. The ultrasound showed that the baby stopped growing a week ago. I am in a super weird emotional state right now, and so is Matt. We made the decision to tell some friends and family early, who are now grieving with us as well. I have to say... After two perfectly healthy babies and two easy pregnancies, I didn't think it could happen to me. However, thanks to the prayers of our loved ones, I am as peaceful as I can be. We named the baby Charlie. Although Charlie could be both a girls name (Charlotte) or a boy's. I have always felt in my heart that he was a boy, and going forward I will refer to him as such. 

We got a new VAN!!

As many of you know, I love LOVE my Hyundai Tucson. However, it will not fit a growing family! We always said we'd NEVER be a van family, but alas- we were wrong. Tonight Matt and I made the plunge and got an 08' Honda Odyssey! We have heard so many good things about Hondas, and read so many good reviews. Welcome to the fam Odyssey!

Wisconsin Bound

We are currently on our way to Greenfield, Wisconsin to visit my Aunt Judy and Uncle Bill. I can't wait! Whenever they come down to the cities, it seems like we never have enough time to spend together, which is why I love getting to visit them. We should be there around dinner time, and Aunt Judy is making tacos! 

We've Reached a Decision!!

I am excited to say that Matt and I have reached a decision about where our baby will be born! Last night we went to visit a lovely home birth midwife. The same midwife who took care of my friend Esther during her pregnancy actually. She loved her, so I thought "why not"? Matt wasn't excited about the idea, but came along because he knew how important it was to me. Jeanne was so calming. She asked me about my previous pregnancies and even took the time to speak directly to Matt about his concerns and fears. She walked us through the process: what prenatal visits look like, what the birth looks like, and what after the birth care looks like. She told us about her history and how she got started with midwifery. I loved talking to her, and her years (over three decades) and 1500+ births definitely spoke volumes to me as well. 

When we left, Matt told me that he still wasn't totally on board, which I understood- but that he was okay with going this route-Yes!!! I won't see Jeanne again until 16 weeks (10 weeks away!) for my first prenatal, but I can't wait!

We Have an Apple!

I am sooo excited! The apple tree in our front yard produced an apple! I thought for sure it was barren after two years of no apples. Matt says that we need to plant flowers around it to provide the best chance of producing more. Isn't it great! I think it's a Golden Delicious. Matt thinks its a Pink Lady.

Here Comes Chenobaby #3

I am super excited to announce that Matt and I are having baby #3! According to the internet and my LMP, I am due on July 7th, 2015, which means I am 5 weeks 1 day along today.




This one wasn't planned... by us
Matt and I were totally and 100% done after Ben. We always planned to have two- a boy and a girl, two years a part or less. We got pregnant easily after trying or not preventing each time and we were thrilled that our life was working so well! Fast forward to a little over a year ago when one day I got hit with baby fever bad. I had no idea where it came from or why. I told Matt who was not the least bit interested in having another. The fever went away for awhile and then came back about six months ago fiercely. I had been praying a lot about it, and I felt like God kept placing it on my heart that he wanted us to have another one, just not yet. Soon that feeling turned into me hearing God's voice in my head saying that I WOULD have another one. Finally one day, despite our methods of preventing, it happened.


I just had a feeling, so I tested early and often and finally I got the two pink lines I was hoping to see, but they were soooo light. I tested a few days later with a digital, and finally got this.



How I Told Matt
I picked up a hamburger bun from Wal-Mart and put it in the oven. Then when I talked to matt about dinner (hamburger and fries) I made sure we would have something that would require him to open the oven. Unfortunately, my Mom threw a wrench in the plan by stopping by for lunch a few hours later. She wanted leftover pizza burgers, so she ended up going in the oven and found the bun. She asked me why it was in there and I just made up some lame excuse about it being a game I was playing with Ben. I felt so bad lying to her, but I hadn't even told Matt yet! Side note... I think she still figured it out because she tried to buy a drink for me at Red Lobster later that week and I declined it. She also made a comment about some "really cute" baby clothes she saw when we were at Once Upon a Child getting Bri a Halloween costume.


Anyway... I put the bun back in the oven and waited for Matt to come home. I was outside when he finally opened the oven. He opened the screen door and hollered out to me, "Honey, why is there a bun in the oven"? I just responded with "Why do you think?" He just smiled big and said "Really? You're pregnant". Then proceeded to tell me that this was the LAST ONE!! Ha!




I Am a Planner
So that was a week ago today, since then I have been furiously researching and planning (as I do). We got rid of ALL of our baby stuff after Ben since we have no storage and were not planning on having a third. I ended up making a list of everything that I couldn't live without last time, and figured I'd start from there. I also figured out that the older kids (who are no longer babies!) would share a room and the new baby would get Ben's room for now.




How I'm doing
I am actually feeling great. I have some pretty significant lower-back pain and I get a little nauseas in the morning and a lot nauseas in the evening, but I am learning what I should and shouldn't be eating to help this. I am also yawning all the day, and completely non-functional by 8pm every night. From reading back to my old posts, I already know that I will probably get hit hard by morning sickness starting in a few days, but for now I am pretty happy with how things are! I have not seen a doctor yet, and if things go as planned, I won't. I have a few appointments scheduled with home birth midwives.*GASP* Yes I said home birth.. but I will save that for another post. I will also be scheduling a tour with Minnesota Birth Center as another option. I loved my first two birth experiences, but looking back- I know what I am doing now, and I just want something different. I don't want an IV in my hand and nurses in my face while I am giving birth. I definitely don't want to risk a C-Section after having two perfectly normal, low risk births before this.




More later!
Catherine